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When a person refuses to get out of the victim status, giving up any form of saving himself because he is sure that he will not succeed, we are dealing with the learned helplessness syndrome.
The Romanian population is significantly more tolerant of domestic violence
Learned helplessness is even more obvious when it comes to domestic violence in Romania and the way many of the victims of this social issue react. Why do so many victims refuse to leave the relationship because they are sure that „they can’t”, that they know for sure that “they won’t succeed”?
This syndrome was first described by psychologists Martin Seligman and Stephen Meyer in 1967, who studied it on dogs. Later, in the 70s, these studies were extended to humans. Helplessness is a feeling of being powerless or trapped in a vicious circle from which you feel you cannot get out.
The cultural and social context favors learned helplessness
According to a study by ANES (National Agency for Equality of Chances between Women and Men), the Romanian population is significantly more tolerant towards domestic violence. At the level of mentality and attitudes regarding domestic violence, Romanians are too tolerant towards aggressors and very judgmental when it comes to victims. “She must have done something to make him act like this”, “a woman’s place is next to her man, and what a big deal he beats her sometimes, maybe she deserves it too”, “you are a woman, you have to endure, there is nothing you can do about it”, ” and the mother, grandmother or great-grandmother went through this and kept the family together”, “how will you manage alone with the children?”, “what all the people would be thinking about you, you are embarrassing yourself”, “we will end up being laughed at by society”, “this is your role as a woman, to endure”, “you can’t change anything” are remarks that many victims are exposed to from childhood or early youth. They erode self-confidence already so fragilized.
Abuse is built on power and control; these are the “strings” the abuser used to manipulate his victim, treating him like a puppet. It is no wonder that victims of domestic violence return to the abusive environment about 7 times before they succeeded to break for good.
The reasons are fear, shame, guilt, lack of financial means, lack of professional independence, children, social marginalization, intimidation, threat, normalization of abuse, lack of self-confidence, disabilities, cultural acceptance of violence, the illusion that the aggressor is going to change, attachment to the aggressor, especially if he behaved nicely at the beginning of their relationship.
Learned helplessness has a great deal to do with the socio-cultural context in which the victim grows. If you grew up in violent families as a child, if you were told every day that “you are worthless” and others will decide for you, how can you not have the feeling that you cannot change anything and that you will be a victim forever, depending on the aggressor’ mercy?
Romania is still so far from the goal of “zero tolerance to domestic violence”, promoted by the European Union – when many children and women grow up in this culture of shame and guilt. We don’t have a strong reaction to reject this type of violence at the level of society because the patterns of domestic violence are transmitted from generation to generation.
The house, the home, and the family environment become the most toxic and dangerous places in the world.
Learned helplessness syndrome – both a behavior pattern and a psychological state
Gabriela Vrabie, psychologist, Romanian Association of Integrative Psychotherapy, neurofeedback specialist, explains:
“Learned helplessness syndrome” is a very common condition nowadays and it consists of the fact that a person, who ends up in unfavorable conditions, simply does not try to change anything and tolerates the existing system. Learned helplessness is a fertile ground for the development of any kind of addiction, for personal and social degradation, or for chronic diseases. This syndrome is associated with the passivity and low adaptability of a person, and the lack of independence that comes from excessive parental care.
The family plays a huge role; it is what gives us all the behaviors we use in adulthood. It is quite easy to develop in a child the syndrome of learned helplessness – it is enough to not allow him to do anything and not be able to make a personal decision.
A person with learned helplessness gets used to say to himself: “Yes, I admit I feel bad, I’m not good! But what can I do?! Nothing…” Such an attitude is toxic and can turn your life into torment.
Learned helplessness is a passive behavior style that comes from the belief that our actions will not produce any change in the current or future situation. The feeling of these people is that they do not have the power or control to change what they do not like, what causes them discomfort, or what they consider to be injustices.
Learned helplessness is acquired by the age of 8 and is a reflection of a person’s belief in the (in)effectiveness of one’s own actions.
Childhood is the most important stage of a person’s life because this is the perfect time when the personality structure is structured and will be maintained throughout life.
If someone has an attitude of control and dominance or an attitude of learned helplessness, it comes mainly from childhood experiences.
Learned helplessness can be seen especially in the following categories of people:
• children who suffer aggression, and abuse during their school years;
• students who tolerate their teachers’ disrespect;
• women humiliated and mocked in their personal or professional life, who do not report or react to the abuse they suffer;
• employees who endure situations of abuse of power at work;
• unemployed who do not want to look for work;
• citizens who do not vote, demonstrate or oppose what their political leaders impose.
This learned helplessness can be done in several different ways, some of which are:
• living conditions in a highly controlled environment, for example, children whose parents are in control and they are not allowed to experience and learn the consequences of their actions;
• the explicit or implicit messages we received in childhood. If, when we are young, we are told: “you can’t”, “don’t try it”, or “it is better not to know…”, the result is adults with close to zero self-esteem, with a brain that learned helplessness.
• in a series of continuous failures; imagine trying something again and again getting the same result, the same failure, then giving up.
Also, the behavior of parents, close friends, and teachers can create the fertile ground to induce the idea that “you can’t, someone else can do it better for you”. This is where the overprotection – especially of the parents in relation to the children – comes from. From constant support to doing homework to always doing the work for them (cleaning, cooking, etc.) until adulthood. This is how the syndrome of learned helplessness is functioning, trained by parents who want to do everything for their children. With the best intentions, of course, but the overreactions of these parents do nothing but make the child, the future adult, less responsible.
Hence the expression “snowflake generation”, those supersensitive children always held “on their parent’s hands” and melt at the first obstacle in their life.
Photo main picture: Pixabay
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